Wednesday, February 01, 2012

Trespassers Will Be Prosecuted

In some ways I am glad January is over. I was sick in January. And upset a lot. And symbolically indeed, a few realizations hit me yesterday morning just as January 2012 made an exit from the calendar. If yesterday were a song, it would most definitely be Clarity by John Mayer.

I worry, I weigh three times my body 
I worry, I throw my fear around
But this morning, there's a calm I can't explain 
The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain.

The only place free from any illusions in life is the core of your heart from where your inner voice emanates. Unfortunately, reaching that place is like undertaking an expedition to Mount Everest but on the inside. Once you reach there, the air is pure and there is crystal clarity about everything. Once you reach there.

I was there a few weeks back. In that place. Hearing my own voice. And echoing it. It was the happiest time of my life. Because I knew what I needed to know. And nothing else mattered.

But then I opened that place up and guests came in. And in the noisy banter that ensued, my voice disappeared. And because it was coming from that place, I mistook that noise to be my own voice. And I became miserable. 

It took me a while to realize that it was someone else’s voice that was talking within me and then I started to frantically search for my lost inner voice. And it was painful, the noise was still echoing in that empty cavity. And I didn’t know where to start looking for what I had lost, the voice that had been right for a very long time now. I lost my way. I was standing on someone’s else’s path to happiness and mistaking it for my own. And I didn’t know how to go back. And I became more miserable.

It took a few reminders from the past to find my way and voice back. And I realized where exactly my view had got corrupted. Love and happiness are different destinations for different people. And hence, the milestones/landmarks they see on the way are different too. Letting anyone tell you what landmarks you will pass by on these journeys is like driving up NH7 and looking for landmarks from NH6…they’re essentially different roads that may or may not meet. Happiness for some is on mountaintops and for some it is by the seas…and the same goes for love.

The worst part is that I had always known that. Always. And still, I lost my way…because I opened my heart to too many people. All that overflowing happiness had to go somewhere after all. The problem with having an open heart AND sharing happiness at the same time is that you become vulnerable and your heart starts to get infected. And your inner voice takes sick leave. Sometimes, it is necessary and important to keep your heart and its special place closed and reserved for only those that reside in there. It is necessary to protect all that is fragile. 

Precious and fragile things
Need special handling
My God, what have we done to you?
We always tried to share
The tenderest of care
Now look what we have put you through.

Precious by Depeche Mode on Grooveshark
(Such a perfect song that is for this moment!)

In the end, there are no templates for anything in life. Because each of us is unique. And hence our interaction with each individual is also unique. Our life stories are unique, sometimes very special. No one else knows our history like we do. And hence they can never possibly understand or begin to fathom what our hearts know about us. Of course there are always good intentions. But even good intentions can kill sometimes.

I spotted my voice yesterday just as I finished what was almost a journey for me. I am currently busy convincing it to come back home to that place of love and stitching my open heart so it doesn’t get infected again. Only residents of my heart will have access now and trespassers will be prosecuted.

While January hasn’t been the best month, it was necessary that it put me through all this so I could come out wiser. And here’s sending a note of thanks out to it as I bid adieu and begin February on a fresh clear note!

(Discovered this song this morning on YouTube and thought it was apt background music while I wrote this. Love the video too…in the end, there’s nothing more to life than love, is there?)

4 Thinkers Pondered:

ahmedabadonnet said...

liked the post...
ahmedabadonnet.com

Sandeep Waghmare said...

Should I donate a roll of barbed wire, got an extra one! ;-)

Nicely put, though!

Krupakar said...

Very well put, Anu...you are a star!

Anupama said...

Thanks ahmedabadonnet!

Thanks Sandy, will borrow the barbed wire if I need it :)

Thanks Krups!