Friday, August 06, 2010

PUP Again

It was today that I realized it was missing. I lost it sometime in the last week I think. But I couldn’t go back and look for it either, there were so many bends I had taken. It could have been anywhere. I had lost hope of finding it. Until now. My self-esteem.

I am usually very careful with it. It is rare that I lose it. But I did anyway. I hate nothing more than self-pity but I indulged in it in the last few days or even weeks. I cribbed. I cursed. I wanted to run away. I let myself get hurt. And while I was preparing to run away I found it lying there, sparkling clear, undamaged. The sight of it stopped me dead in my tracks. My self-esteem.

I realize self-pity is addictive. And right now in this moment I understand all those who I have seen indulging in it. I don’t blame them. It takes over before you have time to realize what hit you. And you start going down that slippery slope. You start relishing it in a secret way, being the victim, hunting for sympathy. It’s downward from there unless you find something to hold onto.

I found music. 

It sounds absurd but the sound of this band in my ears right now is having an effect that is almost magic. Somehow just listening to this sound, these notes, the melody, the way the instruments and the notes fuse…all of it is bringing me back from a point of no return. This is a miracle, these people, their sound and the love (devotionally speaking…the higher emotion) that comes through in their music, this song. My real self returns with a vengeance and who else could have saved my life but music. It’s what runs in my veins, not blood.

I had been meaning to listen to this band for the longest time but you know how sometimes you can’t figure out silly things like these…it takes less than 2 minutes to load their music into Grooveshark and sample the first one. But somehow it just will not happen. You know why? Because it was all reserved for this moment. Every single thing on this planet, right from the birth of every ant to war sooo happens for a reason! There is a higher purpose to everything.

So anyway, it’s PUP again. And it won’t take long this time. I’m not exactly nursing a broken heart so it ought to be a cakewalk. I’m a fighter, I am. I have always survived so far. If that prompts people to trample upon my heart more, so be it! This is who I am, take it or leave it (I just realized that statement doesn’t even make sense since I am the one at risk…whatever).

On the cards for the next few days as part of PUP…

  • Photography like I am Henri Cartier-Bresson or somebody
  • Writing like I am the next Booker winner or Nobel Laureate
  • A quick trip to the periphery of the town with dear friends like we are doing an Around-The-World-In-An-i20
  • A second look at Inception like I am watching it for the first time
  • Receiving another set of dear dear friends at the airport post a peaceful coffee at the Airport CCD 
  • And oh yes, that Hindustani Vocals class…I finally enquired : )

Welcome back Endorphins! I have missed you so…

3 Thinkers Pondered:

Eveline said...

Holy crap, Anupama! I'm so grateful to you for posting this. You're a superstar. I have actually thought to myself, 'Now, Anupama's a girl made for living. She doesn't let herself get down like you do.' Well, not only have you put things in perspective for me, but my repect for you has skyrocketed. I love your work. Good luck with your struggles, congratulations on your successes and have a banging time on your PUP schedule. I'm so glad I'm reading along.

Ganesh Kumaran said...

ANUPAMA,I have not read that blog completely but I can say one\a word empathize oneself rather sympathizing on onself.To energize really,you have to do the former."hwru doing?" what this two word translates too :).

Tigerstone said...

I think you need some hot soup