Wednesday, August 04, 2010

I Bruise Easily

My life is full of freaky coincidences. For instance, I very often see two random vehicles with successive numbers on their license plates (a bike and a car leaving my office at the same time for opposite directions – 9905, 9906!), way too many times for it to be a coincidence I think of a friend randomly and he or she ends up pinging me within a matter of minutes , many times I have a certain mood or train of thoughts in my head and the same day I discover a song that puts exactly that into neat lyrics, and song lyrics play out in my life sometimes too, word for word!

So I was not surprised when my DailyOM arrived with these lines today: 

Though we may use a single set of characteristics to define ourselves, we slip easily into contradictory roles when circumstances necessitate doing so.

In fact, I smiled knowingly. I wasn’t surprised at this coincidence at all today. People who know me know that I believe very strongly in The Secret and these things have become a part of my life now. It wasn’t this that surprised me at all. 

It was me. When it shouldn’t have been. In retrospect, I should have seen it coming all along.

And this song from a few years ago came back rushing to me. Like I said, I think they have written a song for each and every emotion I feel. They’ve even made movies for me. This song used to be one of my favourites back then and I love it so even now.

My skin is like a map, of where my heart has been
And I can't hide the marks, but it's not a negative thing
So I let down my guard, drop my defences, down by my clothes
I'm learning to fall, with no safety net, to cushion the blow

I cannot fake how I am feeling. It’s been a problem since forever. Then again maybe not. When I am happy, it’s a crazy bean bouncing around the room and hard to keep down. My voice goes a note higher to actually match a chirp. I laugh like there is no tomorrow. But when I am down, the sparkle in my eyes disappears faster than the diamond ring of an eclipse. The pep in my voice flies away. What I feel shouts out from my face like a big billboard by the roadside. On the Interstate.

And that’s what I am trying to do. Learning to fall with no safety net. I want to see how badly I can get hurt before I recover from it. I want to see just exactly how vulnerable I am. If a flinch and a stern tone can break my heart, at what point does my soul give way. This is destructive testing of sorts. And there my past comes back again…only, it’s with Materials 101.

I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
I bruise easily, I bruise easily

I do. It’s hard to admit it because it makes me a sissy of sorts but I do. And yet, with all of this, all this that I am, I seek life. I seek to find what it is that it has in store for me. It probably leaves me shaken more than most but that’s ok. The experience called life is complete only if it is at its intense best.

There is much happiness to be experienced on the other side and it requires taking a leap of faith, not very different from what Natasha Bedingfield sings about in the song. I take a moment to recall an exercise in blind faith from a year ago and put it all back in the same place. And I take a leap of faith. 

I have a feeling I won’t need a safety net.

I Bruise Easily by Natasha Bedingfield on Grooveshark

2 Thinkers Pondered:

Madhu Reddy said...

Very candid well penned thoughts.


Anupama said...

Thank you so much Madhu :)