Friday, August 27, 2010

Dice Or Not, He Does Play

I am done. 
Are You done?

I am beat. 
Aren’t You bored yet?

I am sick of it all. 
Are You satisfied?

I am angry. 
Are You amused?

I am torn. 
Aren’t You tired yet?

I am lost. 
Are You even looking for me?

I give up. 
Do You have more games left to play?
I have lost. 
Is that Your mirthful laughter falling as rain?

I am crumbling. 
Now do You feel like my Creator?

I need Your pity. 
Do You feel powerful now?
I need grace. 
Do You feel like a giver tonight?

I resign. 
You can rest. 
It’s almost the seventh day too.

Friday, August 06, 2010

PUP Again

It was today that I realized it was missing. I lost it sometime in the last week I think. But I couldn’t go back and look for it either, there were so many bends I had taken. It could have been anywhere. I had lost hope of finding it. Until now. My self-esteem.

I am usually very careful with it. It is rare that I lose it. But I did anyway. I hate nothing more than self-pity but I indulged in it in the last few days or even weeks. I cribbed. I cursed. I wanted to run away. I let myself get hurt. And while I was preparing to run away I found it lying there, sparkling clear, undamaged. The sight of it stopped me dead in my tracks. My self-esteem.

I realize self-pity is addictive. And right now in this moment I understand all those who I have seen indulging in it. I don’t blame them. It takes over before you have time to realize what hit you. And you start going down that slippery slope. You start relishing it in a secret way, being the victim, hunting for sympathy. It’s downward from there unless you find something to hold onto.

I found music. 

It sounds absurd but the sound of this band in my ears right now is having an effect that is almost magic. Somehow just listening to this sound, these notes, the melody, the way the instruments and the notes fuse…all of it is bringing me back from a point of no return. This is a miracle, these people, their sound and the love (devotionally speaking…the higher emotion) that comes through in their music, this song. My real self returns with a vengeance and who else could have saved my life but music. It’s what runs in my veins, not blood.

I had been meaning to listen to this band for the longest time but you know how sometimes you can’t figure out silly things like these…it takes less than 2 minutes to load their music into Grooveshark and sample the first one. But somehow it just will not happen. You know why? Because it was all reserved for this moment. Every single thing on this planet, right from the birth of every ant to war sooo happens for a reason! There is a higher purpose to everything.

So anyway, it’s PUP again. And it won’t take long this time. I’m not exactly nursing a broken heart so it ought to be a cakewalk. I’m a fighter, I am. I have always survived so far. If that prompts people to trample upon my heart more, so be it! This is who I am, take it or leave it (I just realized that statement doesn’t even make sense since I am the one at risk…whatever).

On the cards for the next few days as part of PUP…

  • Photography like I am Henri Cartier-Bresson or somebody
  • Writing like I am the next Booker winner or Nobel Laureate
  • A quick trip to the periphery of the town with dear friends like we are doing an Around-The-World-In-An-i20
  • A second look at Inception like I am watching it for the first time
  • Receiving another set of dear dear friends at the airport post a peaceful coffee at the Airport CCD 
  • And oh yes, that Hindustani Vocals class…I finally enquired : )

Welcome back Endorphins! I have missed you so…

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

I Bruise Easily

My life is full of freaky coincidences. For instance, I very often see two random vehicles with successive numbers on their license plates (a bike and a car leaving my office at the same time for opposite directions – 9905, 9906!), way too many times for it to be a coincidence I think of a friend randomly and he or she ends up pinging me within a matter of minutes , many times I have a certain mood or train of thoughts in my head and the same day I discover a song that puts exactly that into neat lyrics, and song lyrics play out in my life sometimes too, word for word!

So I was not surprised when my DailyOM arrived with these lines today: 

Though we may use a single set of characteristics to define ourselves, we slip easily into contradictory roles when circumstances necessitate doing so.

In fact, I smiled knowingly. I wasn’t surprised at this coincidence at all today. People who know me know that I believe very strongly in The Secret and these things have become a part of my life now. It wasn’t this that surprised me at all. 

It was me. When it shouldn’t have been. In retrospect, I should have seen it coming all along.

And this song from a few years ago came back rushing to me. Like I said, I think they have written a song for each and every emotion I feel. They’ve even made movies for me. This song used to be one of my favourites back then and I love it so even now.

My skin is like a map, of where my heart has been
And I can't hide the marks, but it's not a negative thing
So I let down my guard, drop my defences, down by my clothes
I'm learning to fall, with no safety net, to cushion the blow

I cannot fake how I am feeling. It’s been a problem since forever. Then again maybe not. When I am happy, it’s a crazy bean bouncing around the room and hard to keep down. My voice goes a note higher to actually match a chirp. I laugh like there is no tomorrow. But when I am down, the sparkle in my eyes disappears faster than the diamond ring of an eclipse. The pep in my voice flies away. What I feel shouts out from my face like a big billboard by the roadside. On the Interstate.

And that’s what I am trying to do. Learning to fall with no safety net. I want to see how badly I can get hurt before I recover from it. I want to see just exactly how vulnerable I am. If a flinch and a stern tone can break my heart, at what point does my soul give way. This is destructive testing of sorts. And there my past comes back again…only, it’s with Materials 101.

I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
I bruise easily, I bruise easily

I do. It’s hard to admit it because it makes me a sissy of sorts but I do. And yet, with all of this, all this that I am, I seek life. I seek to find what it is that it has in store for me. It probably leaves me shaken more than most but that’s ok. The experience called life is complete only if it is at its intense best.

There is much happiness to be experienced on the other side and it requires taking a leap of faith, not very different from what Natasha Bedingfield sings about in the song. I take a moment to recall an exercise in blind faith from a year ago and put it all back in the same place. And I take a leap of faith. 

I have a feeling I won’t need a safety net.

I Bruise Easily by Natasha Bedingfield on Grooveshark

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

I Run To You

I run from hate, I run from prejudice
I run from pessimists, but I run too late

I run too. From these things and more. Most of all from pessimists. Those who say it’s too late. But I run too late. I should have never left hope’s corridor but I allowed myself to listen. And somewhere the words stayed with me. Not unlike Inception. But I’m awake now. And I am running like the wind. Back to hope’s backyard and the sunshine of optimism. Never to leave again. Back to my delusions.

I run my life or is it running me, run from my past
I run too fast or too slow it seems

Is it ever possible to run from your past? From who you were. From where you come from. It feels like it always catches up with you. At the most unexpected times. In the most unexpected fashion. And then there is a tussle until you think you have won, your Now has won. That you have separated You from Your Past. And you start running all over again…faster…harder. Before you are cornered round the bend again. And all that talk about being who you are (for real, who you are deep down) goes down the drain as where you come from catches up with you. What others want you to be towers over you and you crouch in defence. Hoping they won’t find that one dream that keeps you alive and makes life out of existence. You hate to think you can run but never hide.

When lies become the truth
That's when I run to you

The lies that you live. Day in and day out. Endorsing someone else’s idea. Of life. Of love. Of right. Of wrong. Do you even remember what your truth is? Do you have that one someone who can remind you? And accept you with your truths?

We run on fumes, your life and mine
Like the sands of time slippin' right on through

That fast moving commodity. Time. It becomes everyone’s excuse. Does life run on a deadline? What about dreams? What deadline should they abide by? What about hopes? What is their time-table? Is it enough to say time is running out?

And our love's the only truth
That's why I run to you

Yes love's the only truth.  And for that single reason, no one should need to run at all.

I Run To You by Lady Antabellum on Grooveshark

Monday, August 02, 2010

A Rendezvous In The Mountains

I sit here trying to find something meaningful to do with the laptop open and mindlessly scratch my left foot, right in the centre of the sole. Can’t think of anything to write about, nothing to read. I look through some old pictures to remember some good times. The itch annoys me and I scratch harder before it strikes me…it’s my foot that is itching. Travel is impending. I’m not planning in vain : )

It’s the mountains first. Have I ever told you how safe the mountains make me feel? They stand there weathering it all, over the centuries. They represent a permanence of sorts. They may change over the years in their own way but they never go away. They never leave. They are always there to go back to. So that’s where I shall go.

The thought of travelling to a new place excites me. You never know what stories you may get to hear on the way. You never know what stories you may end up telling. It depends on the part of you that the place awakens and touches. Some places make you feel like a child and induce spirit. Some places force you to contemplate. And your stories change accordingly. You change accordingly. So you are a different person to each of these places. And in that you can live multiple lives. Have a relationship with each city that only that city understands. It’s a secret only the two of you know, who you are to that city. No one else matters.

And each place changes me in its own way. Sometimes I uncover a fear I had never known. Then I conquer it and am a tad fearless than before. Sometimes the city shows me the prejudices and stereotypes I hold in my head. And I seek to shatter them by pelting a stone picked from the streets of that same city. Sometimes I see a mirror, find myself in someone else’s conversation. I meet myself there and we explore parallel universes. And I return home, so does my other self…to the stories where it lives. I love meeting a different me every time I travel. I surprise myself sometimes.

I can sense fear right now. And I need to encounter it…conquer it. Maybe a story is waiting out there. Maybe the mountains know the answer. And I must go. To meet myself somewhere on the winding path that leads to the peak. Round the corner on a busy street. Or in a long conversation. Under the watchful eyes of the mountains.

A song that always makes me visualize the road and serenity…Clarity by John Mayer