Monday, March 22, 2010

Really Can't Think Of A Title For This One! I Couldn't Care Less

I am sick.

Of having to prove myself. Over and over and over and over. Of having to ask people to let me be…me.

Some people are born this way. It’s like the Druid messed up his potions in the cauldron and concocted us. It’s a weird mix. But I’m proud of it anyway.

I didn’t write ‘with eyes that twinkle and a heart thats fragile’ because it rhymed with the previous line. That’s for people who noticed in the first place. Stop trampling upon other people like they are your backyard. It hurts.

If I am not your idea of how a person should be, allow me to take a walk.

I’m pathologically happy. It’s not a mental disease, it’s outlook.

I am voluble and I listen with equal respect but if I choose to shut up it is exactly YOU who comes asking what went wrong. If I decide to retract into my shell there is hardly any hope you’ll see my head again…ever. Unless that is the plan, I don’t suggest prodding.

I can dissect to bits and look at the bigger picture with equal ease. I am analytical, I’m an engineer for God’s sake!

I like to think, yes it’s a hobby. I can also let go if I choose to. Somebody has to care about what’s happening around, we all can’t be zombies living our lives on autopilot…I chose to bear the cross. Do you mind?

The world has too much beauty in store to let it pass by. And I am more of a visual person so yes, I love relating details about everything.

I love hearing other people’s stories and then telling other’s about it if they are worth telling. People are my world and their stories mean everything to me at this point in life. If you don’t have the patience to listen to that kind of stuff, I’m sorry I put you through the torture.

I cry when I hear music that can touch my soul. If you think that’s sissy, think again. It’s the quality to feel that makes someone human in the first place. I just got a ‘Buy one get one free’ on that. So yeah, I’m sensitive…in your face.

I like to romanticize…my ruling planet is Venus. So yes, tomorrow I will romanticize about the fricking fly sitting at the edge of the table if I feel like it. Is THAT really your problem?

To me it seems like you were looking for an electronic store but walked into an art gallery instead. Obviously what you are looking for is not here! If you don’t like what you are getting, look for another store, another brand, another model. This is who I am, take it or leave it.

Also, if you don’t trust me or what I say, don’t humour me at all. Basic tenet. I have said this before. I don’t say things just to make myself look good or to make you feel nice about yourself. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. If that is something beyond your understanding or acceptance, face it. Don’t question MY sincerity. Unless that is your way of intentionally hurting me. For the record, it works. Now get off it.

If I evolve somewhere along the way…no let’s put this on you…if you can MAKE me WANT to evolve somewhere along the way, we’ll just doff our hats to Darwin. Until then, find a younger one to pick at and mould…I’m not exactly wet clay you know.

In fact you know what, I was born under the sign of Libra and we are supposed to be the nicest people around. Easiest to get along with and all that jazz. I find it hard to comprehend that you found more than 5 things that are brazenly wrong with me. I don’t mean to sound like a narcissist because I don’t mean to and I hate that but it’s just that it’s a revelation. And no I don’t like it. I’m sure I am entitled to being around people who like me. Which is why I choose to hang out with the people I hang out with. They don’t seem to mind that these 5 things are wrong with me.

In fact there’s still loads of hope because of those who make it all worthwhile. Those of you who are there. Sometimes just to listen and have a random conversation with involvement that suits a presidential debate. Sometimes just to humour me and all my quirks. Sometimes when I need someone to be there…I have enough confidence to pull through but it’s nice to have backing hands. Even if it’s a little, you guys care. And that means a lot. It’s not like you don’t tell me I’m wrong. But it’s only about what I DO and never about who I AM. So thank you all…you save the day, everyday.

In my sweet old brooding analytical way, I’m thinking why any of this should happen. I have lessons to learn. The way you can’t go to the higher class unless you have finished the curriculum for the present one, I think I won’t get to the next stage in life with unfinished portions in this one. And I should be thanking you all for expediting the process. I don’t always like using big words but today I will, just to prove a point…that is if you consider Expedite to be a big word…I don’t.

Like the scribe I used to be in college, I’ve scribbled notes for this class too. Let’s see what the next lecture has in store.

16 Thinkers Pondered:

Rohini Kulkarni said...

Sorry.
But as they say..this too shall pass. Thanks for sharing. Stay strong. More power to you. :)

Tigerstone said...

Gin and tonic.

Enough of it and you'll have a nice big smile on your face all over again.

Anupama said...

Hey Rohini,

Thank you so much for the kind words :)

Hey Tigerstone,

That definitely sounds like a good plan...The Harbour shall be completely bombed now since it is close to destruction...and then an expedition to Pondicherry shall be planned for reconstruction :)

Eveline said...

Yes, I hate you with the burning intensity of a million suns. :P
Pfft. Honestly, the only reason I read all the blogs I do is because I haven't got enough of a life to write about. I envy you. :)
Oh Anupama, with all the stuff you do, I hope you know that you dont have to worry about what others think of you. I come here to read. And it makes me happy to read the words you write. So keep writing.

P:S - Sorry about not turning up for your performance. Didn't have the energy to walk out of the house due to the previous day's showdown. But I'm sure you were dazzling...as always. :))

Anonymous said...

Thats a rant!

If the someone enters art shop looking for electronic good, its his/her problem, should not concern you much, unless the person really does matter to you. If that is the case, guess you should be doing the hand-holding and see him/her around the art shop. If not, let that person do the rant, and you be at peace with your artistic bliss.

And oh yes, amazing post. Though I dont sympathize much with your rant, its sounds like a perfect rant. :) Cannot get any better :)

P.S.: This is same 'anonymous' commenter on your earlier post. You dont know this 'anonymous'. Just stumbled upon your blog while browsing some stuff about Bratislava. I know you think and so you are Anupama, but there is not much to think on this anonymity. :)

Spike said...

:-) Loved reading the intense write up.. Librans are not narcissists... That I dont agree with... :P But yes, they are easiest to be around and very creative too... Art gallery is apt... and if I were to mix it with an electronic store, it would have to be a Bose ;-)

Forgive, but forget never.. after all, its a lesson in life.. and we have only one to live... *clink* and cheers!

Anupama said...

Eveline...a big big hug to you sweety...will give you that in person next time we meet :) As for the play, I was only a voice this time...if you make it to the one where I am acting I'll make it a double dose of hugs :)

Hey Anonymous,

Your PS helped...otherwise I would have really obsessed about who you are until I had convinced myself you are someone I know and pinned a name to you too. All the same, it will be nice to pin a name to you I was thinking :) And yes, I will continue being in my bliss...that's advice I can definitely use. Thanks for being around and caring to let me know what you think...it's such things that I was referring to when I said 'worthwhile' :)

Hey Spike!!!

Is this our old Spike? I hope it is...you won't believe this but I swear this afternoon I was hanging around on your blog for a while after I saw the update on the blogroll and was wondering how long it had been since I read from you on my blog. Welcome back if its my old friend :)

I didn't mean to say Librans are not Narcissists...I just meant to say I am not one (I think so at least :) )...I wouldn't mind being a Bose electronic piece half as much (there's music involved you see...gotcha!) but in this case it seems to be more like a Toaster...made in China! And yes, will remember the lesson too...advice taken :)

Spike said...

Yes this is the same old spike... this is the 2nd time someone has wondered and I've made an appearance.... And a chinese radio can play music too, but a Bose is only for a select few... who like rich, deep, soothing, serenading music... An exquisite piece of equipment that makes a deaf man swing to the beats coz he can feel them pulsate in his blood... no Chinese radio can do THAt!

The toast was less advise and more introspection :-)
Whats with you and Pondi? i remember reading your post about it and you weaved quite a tale there...

Prashanth said...

Why so serious?? :)..

I guess you must have steamed off by now. Life throws things at us sometimes(sometimes more than sometimes ;-)) that are irksome and absolutely irritating. I subscribe to the tenet that ppl should live their lives the way they want, move along with people they like, do the things they want as long its emotionally and morally right to themselves. I would suggest letting these negative emotions(anger, frustration, irritation) etc just tide over. Give some time. Avoid the things that irritate you as much as possible and move on. If someone's being judgmental about you hurts/irritates/angers you, you being judgmental about that someone does not seem just to me.It becomes a zero sum sort of a game. Take people at their face value. Forgive if possible. Avoid if not. Thats my two cents for you.(Irrespective of whether you want to take it or not ;-) )

notgogol said...

I don't comment on intense posts. I'm a very shallow blogger you see. But your blog is nice and all, so I'll be nice and all and I will.

"I am analytical, I’m an engineer for God’s sake!" ... Seriously? That's the best you could come up with to justify your analytical skills. Seriously? :P

Don your cynic's hat. Read this line again and you'll cheer up automatically. :P

iamyuva said...

well ok.. thatz experience worth having.. be yourself and your love of life will sonner or later take you to a world which will come around to appreciate as-is you, growing you & even future unknown you..

Prashanth Nair said...

As long as those who know you take you for what you are, without having to slot you can safely assume that you're in good company. :-)
If you agree, press 1.

Prashanth Nair

Anupama said...

Hey Spike!!

Looks like you respond well to telepathy and I've found another way to communicate to you. But I find it really cool that you made an appearance like that :)

I am in love with Pondi...every bit of it. In fact I still feel I haven't spent enough time there and look forward to going back soon :)

Hey PG!!

So good to see s response from you! Long time...I like the part about taking people at face value...will try not to question why they are the way they are and just accept them for who they are. Thank for the warm words PG...take care :)

Hey Notgogol,

No really...sometimes I think the only thing engineering ever taught me was to analyze...else I'd be on my own trip of a daydream in life...but thanks for the comment, it did cheer me up :)

Hey Iamyuva,

Will remember these words...and that's ideally how it should be shouldn't it? It should fall into place, one's place in the world...effortlessly. I am sure I will find mine :)

Hey Prashanth :)

'Thank you for waiting! My unique input is '1' and I'm having a great day!'

:) :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Anupama,

Very nice writing!!! U know what, I fear to comment on your blog..coz u are such a good writer...n I always feel I will never be able to praise u properly...Awesome..I felt as if I always wanted to say this..

-Manbir

Sritama said...

As always well written!!And I go through the same phase myself at times..but yeah I have a talisman to come out of this..I find out if the person in question is worth all the time and effort..Guess this question should clearly tell you what you should do..
P. S. - Hope you are doing good and take care..

zephyr said...

That was rant post No 1! I can perfectly understand how you feel. I am bugged by people who are trying to constantly slot and box me into a stereotype and act offended when I refuse to be slotted.

Just be yourself and you will do just fine. I have only heard about you from Vinni and never got to know you. I guess I can now, by coming here often. You do too.

I couldn't visit earlier because my friend was here and we had so much to catch up with! Hugs..