Sunday, January 03, 2010

To Be Or Not To Be

The chilling air strikes the streaks on your face and makes them sting. It only adds to the stinging in the eye and the hazy vision. You hope to make it home undiscovered, wiping the streaks off your face at the next available opportunity while the car beahind you honks for you to move on. Yeah maybe move on you should.

It’s that turning in your stomach that is diffucult to get over. After a week of sickness you have trouble telling the two apart. But this is different. This hurts more. It makes you feel sicker without making you throw up. And unlike sickness, this may not pass over. Not this one.

It is not jealousy for sure. There is nothing to be jealous of. And jealousy feels more vile than this. This sad resignation is far from jealousy.

Whatever it is turns quickly to anger. At the car up front that is in the way. At the truck that won’t get a move on. At the Foolishness that Hope sometimes turns into. Or are the two the same? You wonder.

It follows no logic. Laws of Parity and Parallel Universes fail as you try to make disparate worlds intersect somewhere. It is that lack of a logical and rational basis that makes it hard to explain or justify.

Sometimes it just seems to be the work of an empty mind, a devil in his workshop…this whole business. Despite all that you do to distract yourself from the emptiness of the rooms and life waiting for you, your mind still needs an occupation. Maybe that’s what it is, an occupation of the mind, a rubix cube, a mindless TV show, love.

You feel lost. It’s a personal to-be-or-not-to-be. You choose ‘not to be’ for the moment anyway since ‘being’ also means risking you ending up as a joke a decade later, remembered on a cocktail evening while sitting in warm cosy armchairs and reminiscing about the silliness of youth. The also-ran. You are yet to meet someone who can accept it with grace, with humility, with respect. It is an emotion most lacking in the world today, most frivolously used and mistaken, most often killed by emotions more base. Even as you try to convince yourself that you are choosing the right path, you wonder what it would have been like To Be.

A split second later a flood of Ifs and Buts draws fresh stinging streaks on your face again. What if. The One.

And you wait for the next red signal to wipe the streaks off your face.


9 Thinkers Pondered:

mentalie said...

happy 2010, anupama!

this post is so evocative of some evenings and drives i have been on myself...um, i hope you are doing well?

the acp sends you his best regards and warmest purrs. he loves your writing, btw :)

Anonymous said...

Dearie ! We must meet! Take care !

Tigerstone said...

Welcome to my world. Hopefully the New Year will usher in some cheer. Else there's always Digene :)

Anupama said...

Hey Mentalie,

Thanks for the wishes lady...I was doing ok until Sunday evening...now I am not so sure...very sweet of you to ask though...it's comforting in a way...

Love to the ACP...

Hey Anonymous,

I think I know who this is.

And if I am guessing who-it-is right then yes, this is about that long mail I sent to you after 'Juice' and 'Serendipity'...we must meet and talk please?

Hey Tigerstone,

It's quite ironic you should say welcome to my world...I do hope the New Year ushers in some cheer, nothing would be better than that but are we talking about the same thing? Maybe the ends yes but the means I'm not sure...in fact the means are at odds with each other and I might need a whole lot more Digene than I figure...

Tigerstone said...

Well, i think its time i put up something on my blog. The lines are in my head, but i am too lazy to type.....

to write or not to write, now that's question!

Anupama said...

Hey Tigerstone,

My response to that comment should be obvious unless you were thinking aloud...I'd say you should write...I maintain what I have said before, every time you choose not to write you deprive people of a piece of good writing. Would be really nice to read another one from you...

Looking forward to it...

Sritama said...

Much as I appreciate the content and semantics of this blog, I am not happy with your tone..It sent a chill through my bones, as if something is not right somewhere..Take care!

Anupama said...

Hey Sritama,

Thanks for the comment...yeah I hope it all gets better soon...

Rohini Kulkarni said...

Your writing is just addictive! I am glad that I'm addicted.
Sorry.. I tried searching for another word. But couldn't find one.