Tuesday, September 15, 2009

This Is The Long Goodbye

I should be writing about the long forgotten innocence I rediscovered in Gundlupet on Saturday. I should be writing about the seldom-experienced laughter at the play on Sunday. Instead here I am, leaving all of that aside, the daily joys and thinking of those whom I have lost…to death or otherwise. It’s the absences that are most prominently present tonight…all those goodbyes I have had to say, some forced, others voluntary, some just felt.
Life floats through a sea of people…like a fishnet in many ways. The volume of water just passes through, only a few beings stay behind…caught in the net and struggling for freedom. After all, most human interactions feel like obligations to some…they want to be free as the air. Ultimately most go back to the sea. They have to be returned to the water. They struggle too much to free themselves. They wriggle through the nets. They organize and take many others with them…that force. But they leave.
And you are left on the boat. With an empty net and a heavy heart but its dawn and a beautiful sunrise is coming on at the horizon. It is an irony that is too much to ignore. Life still looks good and feels beautiful. But it’s just not the same anymore.
And a part of you stays behind in those places and moments when life wasn’t like this. Sometimes it is by a hospital bed cupping a face you thought would never disappear from your life. Sometimes it is on the pavement outside college on cold rainy afternoons holding warm roasted corns and having a warm chat with your best friend. Sometimes it is under that tree in campus debating the meaning of life. Sometimes it is on the floor of the living room on a girl’s night out sharing secrets. And sometimes it is in a chair on a regular afternoon of a regular day talking about the most irregular things.
You try and hold on for a while but even if it means bruising your hands people break free. It’s best to make peace with their will and wish.
And it is here I revisit Serendipity…if you hold on tight and it starts to slip away, is that sand or is it a Pearl? Will it stay if you keep your palm open? Or will it be washed away?
Even as you wonder, you move on leaving all those bits of you behind in those places and moments, incomplete in some way. And all you can do is wish that things didn’t have to be this way. Life is more than that kind of wishful thinking of course.
On days like today when there is a beautiful sunset decorating the sky and no one to talk about it you think of all of those who broke away more than ever. You absorb the beauty alone. And every long lost while you see that fish that had swam into your net jump in the water that stretches before you. It plays around for a while before disappearing again, reminding you more so what you are missing in your heart.
But the next morning you wake up and drag the boat into the blue sea again, it’s a new day and there is hope. One of those fish might find you again. And if you still have an empty net, there is always a beautiful sunrise to watch from in the middle of the sea.

13 Thinkers Pondered:

Anonymous said...

Lovely post Anupama..:)It is so darn difficult to say goodbye and start enjoying the present, more so for someone like me who spends hours and hours mulling over the past (relationships, experiences and most importantly people).

-Smita

Sowmya said...

Anu,
This is one of your best posts. I loved the analogy, the symbolism... very apt... very new and fresh... when compared to the old one about life being a train journey and all people, fellow passengers....

Its full of feeling... as I said before, "I feel... Therefore I am Anupama" :)

Spike said...

beautiful post Anu! Such deep posts are the reason why I like reading your blog...

Anupama said...

Hey Smita,

Sometimes I get stuck in the past too, that nostalgia of all things good and bad...and I confess to a certain extent it is addictive...thanks for the comment Smita :)

Hey Sowmya,

Glad you liked the analogy...thanks for the comment :)

Hey Spike!

Thank you so much for the sweet words :)

Christina said...

I guess there are people who will stay with us and others who will move on... Just as there are people and things we must hold on to... And others that we must let go... And if we look into our heart, it will always guide us...

But I guess the key is never to lose sight on the beautiful sunset that life always gives us.. whether we are with people who share it with us or alone :)

Dhivya said...

jus loved this one!!

Anonymous said...

Anupama,

I felt both a pang of pain and a ray of hope after reading your post. Beautifully expressed. Thanks for putting into words what this feeling is. Bahut khub aisi Bandish-e-alfaz! :)

Anupama said...

Hey Christina,

I agree with the second part of your comment unanimously and in many ways it is consoling that you think the same :) ...thanks for the comment...I'll keep my eyes on the sunset and hope a hand comes along to hold mine and watch it with me :)

Hey Dhivya!

Thank you so much sweety :)

Anonymous,

Thank you so much for stopping by and for the kind words :)

Vibhushan said...

Very beautiful post Anupama. Loved every part of it.

At times a few people do struggle a lot to get free of the fishnet of our lives. They might eventually get free, as the destiny has written for them - and for us too. They may later turn into sand, but for those moments when we get to hold them hard in our palms, they leave you with such a sparkling brightness in your life, which remain with you for ever.

Setting out into the blue sea for a beautiful sunrise again with an empty fishnet may seem thrilling every time and you may get progressively better at that; but its hard to get the same high of seeing it, feeling it for the first time. Uska maza alag hi hota hai! What say?

Madhu Reddy said...

The words seem to echo the same emotions I'm going through. Intellectually we all understand that we have to move on, let it go - but its easier said than done. They say time heals but sometimes i wonder if it just buries things deeper.

Yeah life has many a sunsets to offer but some forgotten as we ponder. But hopefully we will bounce back to see the rest with renewed eyes. Hope the same for you.

Anupama said...

Hey Vibhushan,

I tend to agree more with The Catcher In The Rye in this case...it may be the same sunset everyday but you change everytime you come back and watch it, and that makes it different...thanks for the compliment and the comment :)

Hey Madhu,

Even I have wondered many times if time heals everything...some memories, painful or otherwise, remain so fresh and strongly etched that it is difficult to ignore them...I guess it depends on how much we are willing to open our hearts and hence let them be cut that much deeper...wounds that are too deep for time too...

Thank you so much for the comment...I hope for the same thing as you do...

Anonymous said...

Hi Anupama,

I am not a blogger actually..but i read your blog regularly..i never commented on any of your posts but couldn't resist to comment on this one...this is so good n so true..

-Manbir

Anupama said...

Hey Manbir,

So nice of you to read my posts regularly, it is really heartening to hear that as a writer :) ...thank you for the kind words and for the encouragement you have provided today :)